Walking My Talk

If life is a series of tests, then this one is my mid-term exam. Yesterday I got my heart broken. Yep, broke right down the middle. It had been cracked for some time and I knew it wouldn't hold very much longer, but that didn't keep me from hanging on. Hanging on and feeling like an idiot. But a couple of people in my life saw that, too, and rubbed my nose in it and challenged me to do something about it before I fell into the pathetic loser category. No, they didn't actually say that, but it had been looping through my mind like a breaking news ticker for a couple of months.

I will not trash the man because I love him dearly. I know that in time those feelings will turn to something else, but for now my evil-ex-girlfriend behavior is limited to juvenile photo manipulation. (That was surprisingly liberating, by the way.) He is not a bad guy and I don't think for a minute he set out to hurt me. But he did. Failing to hold up his end of the bargain hurt me. He should have told me long ago he wanted out as opposed to stringing me along with excuses. But whatever. Can't go back. Sam Walton is nagging at me in that clipped, nasal Yankee voice of his: "You gotta walk your talk."

It is easy to write down my thoughts about the world and lessons I have learned. It is easy to cheer others on and support their endeavors to stand up for themselves and take something positive away from their bad situations. It is easy to tell my daughter that she should be a strong woman and not let anyone take her for granted. It is not as easy to practice what I preach. Change scares me and I settle easily into what is comfortable whether it is working for me or not. And that is not the behavior I should be modelling for my impressionable teenage daughter. She saw what was happening before I had the courage to admit it to myself. About a month ago she even told me not to complain unless I was planning on doing something about it. Damn. Maybe she should be the mom.

But she was right. Mama didn't raise me this way. She is the "get over it" queen and would be appalled that I have stood for this for so long. No, I didn't tell my mama my relationship had headed south because I didn't want to hear what she would have to say...the truth. "You teach people how to treat you." (Mom is a Dr. Phil-aholic.)

So after a good night's sleep and some earnest prayer I am up this morning doing what I tell others to do...finding what good has come out of my bad situation. Looking for the lesson. Counting my blessings. I am grateful that my children have not witnessed a nasty break-up. We just kind of fell apart and I didn't get the memo that it was over. There was no yelling and screaming or tearful dish-throwing tantrum. Hell, he may not even know I finally quit him! I am grateful for the really good year that we did have. We vacationed with the kids, he literally held my hand all the way through my stroke trauma, we supported each other as single parents, helping out with kids and listening to each other's woes. We were very good for each other. Both teams agree on that. I guess some people don't know what to do with a good thing when they have it. I am grateful for having experienced true romance. I didn't date in high school and college wasn't much better. My only other relationships were two bad ones that resulted in children that I am raising by myself. This time I was showered with affection, got flowers, went on real dates, was called darlin' and had someone holding my hand in public. Those might be little things to romance veterans, but they were huge to me and I really miss them. There's the lesson. Now I know what I want.

I will not let this harden my heart and I will not be bitter. I will not be one of those women who lump men into a big pile of lowered expectations. This experience has not been all bad and now that I know what it feels like to be in a good relationship I will look forward to another. It still hurts and I will throw myself into a project to keep my mind off of it, but in time I will be back out there. Now, where is that other picture of us....