Letting Go



     The other day I sent my son into the woods to be eaten by a bear.  Okay, not really, but the thought crossed my mind as he rode off on his bike.  I have seen a bear once in the three years we have lived at the farm, but when Sam rode off to Mr. Don's house "the back way" I couldn't help wondering if there wasn't a whole bear family living out there.  And then that set off my panic alarm and I had to go through the whole litany of reasons why I shouldn't be so worried: people are not the preferred food of bears, Sam's pretty swift on that dirt bike and when a bear gets a whiff of that sweaty boy he won't be hungry anymore.  It all made perfect sense to me but I still heaved a sigh of relief when I saw him headed back across the big field later.

     Am I always this uptight?  Pretty much.  I have fought the faith vs. fear battle most of my adult life...and more so since I had children.  When Sara was younger we travelled quite a bit and were always on the go and I worried that she'd get lost, we'd have an accident or her father would steal her from me.  With Sam I worry more about snakes, bears, falls from rooftops and accidents involving ropes and tools in trees.  He and I were picking berries earlier this week and I was hardly able to pick anything because I had to keep surveying the area around him for snakes.  Yes, snakes loves berries, but they also dislike people and believe me, you can hear Sammy coming...he likes to narrate all activities. 

     There comes a time when we parents have to loosen the reins and let our children lead...a little bit.  I have a hard time with that.  It's not that I am a control freak and want to be in charge of my world, but more that I haven't been able to let myself have confidence in my children's decision making abilities.  They see me making choices all the time.  Surely they have learned something about it.  So why am I so hesitant to let them out of the nest?  Sara is now seventeen and has a job and is responsible for much of the care of seven horses.  She does a great job managing all of that as well as staying on top of her school work and making good grades but I still catch myself asking, "do you have your lunch?" and "do you have your homework?" and "are you sure you can find that place by yourself?"  Most of the time she replies with that look that says, "duh, mom" and as grating as that is, I kind of don't blame her.  Still, I silently pray for her safety every time she drives away and whisper thanks when I hear her return.  While I know she is smart, has a good moral foundation and is a better driver than me, I am absolutely terrified of sending her off to college next Fall.  How can I trust that baby of mine to make the best decisions for herself?  There it is again...faith and fear at odds. 

     When Sam asked if he could take the rent check over to Mr. Don's, I had no doubt he could manage the task, but as I watched him pedal across the field to the wooded trail I thought I must have lost my mind.  He's only seven for crying out loud!  I realized that this is just the first of many times I am going to have to let him go but I also know from experience that it probably won't get too much easier.