Finally, I arrived at the Four Seasons Atlanta. I drive a 2000 Honda CRV. It was originally silver but now is more of a brushed pewter with a few dings and I have never been accused of keeping it too clean. It stuck out like a sore thumb as I wheeled in between a gorgeous shiny black BMW sedan and a sleek black Lincoln Town Car. The valet had me park behind an impressive black Lexus SUV. (For the record, when I make my fortune I am buying a white Mercedes convertible. All this black is far too serious for me.) The valet motioned for me to roll the window down but my driver's side window motor is not working so I had to open the door...and it hit the man. Not hard enough to hurt him, but enough for me to turn bright red and want to crawl under the vehicle. After establishing that I was staying at the hotel and getting my car checked in, the valet motioned for me to follow my luggage into the lobby where I could wait for my friend. I did that, but only after asking him what he was going to do with my keys. God love him, this guy was professional and explained the procedure to me, but the country-come-to-town-in-a-hooptie vibe was coming off him in waves!
I have visited the Colosseum in Athens and the Library at Ephesus and had year-round passes to Biltmore Estate, but never have I been intimidated by a building like I was by the Four Seasons hotel. It isn't just beautiful. It is grand. It is ritzy. It is downright uppity. And it was way outside of my comfort zone. I was still a bit embarrassed by my parking fiasco when the attendant who had brought in my luggage invited me to have a seat until my friend arrived. I parked myself in the nearest available seat. It happened to be a beautiful Queen Anne side chair with bright white upholstery that was directly under a spotlight. So much for disappearing into the background! I was literally sitting on the edge of my seat staring at the door about to explode from anxiety so I texted my daughter and my friend Libby to let them know I'd arrived safely. The hotel staff are amazingly attentive so it wasn't long before I heard, "Ms. Boykin, perhaps you'd be more comfortable over there on one of our sofas. I'll bring you something to drink." I swear that man saved my life. I was about to have a heart attack and my hair was getting hot!
The sofa was a much better place for me. I was still able to watch the door but didn't feel like I was onstage. My heart was pounding so hard that I felt sure the lady with the infant opposite me could hear it. For the first time in many years I was not at all self-conscious about my appearance. I'd been on my self-improvement plan for about six weeks and was getting in shape and looked and felt great physically. So what was all the anxiety about? I had a fourteen year history with the friend I was about to meet so that wasn't it. At least not all of it. Why was I feeling so inadequate?
Before I was able to ponder that too much my friend arrived. He looked exactly like his pictures and I leapt into a great big smiling bear hug. I forgot about my inadequacy and jumped right into the Oh-My-God-He's-A-Real-Person-And-He's-Really-Here internal freak out. We laugh about it now, but I was ridiculously nervous. Thank God and Veuve Clicquot that only lasted about an hour. He turned out to be exactly the person who I had come to know and I was unbelievably comfortable in his presence for the entire weekend. That is new for me. I am usually extremely uncomfortable around new people...especially men.
The weekend flew by as we visited most of Midtown, enjoying the amazing Atlanta Aquarium for an entire afternoon. The whale sharks are mesmerizing and I am now madly in love with a giant manta ray. We packed up our rooms on Sunday and headed down to check out. I was feeling a bit emotional at the thought of saying goodbye to my friend and leaving the splendor of the hotel and forgot to press the Lobby button on the elevator. We found ourselves headed up and the elevator stopped at the Penthouse floor. The door opened and a beautiful woman and a male companion got in with us. When we arrived back at the Lobby, my friend and I exited first and the other couple followed, going the opposite direction down the hallway. My friend leaned over and said, "Do you know who that woman was?" I said that I thought she looked familiar but couldn't tell as she was wearing sunglasses. He said, "I'm pretty sure that was Meg Ryan." That was it...it was her...she has that distinctive mouth. Her companion turned out to be John Mellencamp. Cool.
We had a few hours to kill, so we visited a couple of shops and then went to Piedmont Park to walk and talk awhile. We ambled over to an outdoor restaurant and ordered a couple of drinks. It was Sunday in the South but I was outside of the little box I had gotten accustomed to living in and just went with it. While enjoying a Bloody Mary in the warm sunshine, I told my friend that I had gotten over feeling unworthy of staying in a four-star hotel and plan to do it again sooner rather than later. Those hotels aren't just for celebrities anymore! He is in the coaching, motivation, be-all-you-can-be business so I am used to getting my attitude adjusted and being urged to change my perspective. However, I was not prepared for what he said next. "What is the difference between you and Meg Ryan?" Um, hello? Did you freaking see her? But he wasn't kidding. I didn't have an answer so he told me. The only difference between me and Meg was that she had recognized and developed her talent early and put it out there. I could do that now. Many people have told me that there is a book in me. I know there is. But I have allowed myself to buy into the idea that I am not good enough, smart enough or talented enough to actually write it. I have gotten really comfortable with mediocrity.
I dropped my friend at the airport and cried all the way to Columbus. Yes, I was going to miss him, but I was also overwhelmed with the need to purge a lot of my old self. My self-doubt and sense of inadequacy have got to go. God puts us on the planet for a reason other than to simply exist. I have to find my purpose and live in such a way as to fulfill it. I have to let go of what I perceive to be the expectations of others. Why should I be so concerned with how I think others see me? It is time to start believing in my own dreams. So I put it out there. I have told the universe what I need and what I want and fully expect to get it. Now I am working to meet it half-way. Like he said, "Life begins at the end of one's comfort zone."
This is EXACTLY who you are to me....every last sentience...the woman with a book in her...and all.
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