Higher Hopes

I worry that I am failing this little boy. I wasn't much older than him when my dad left me and my brother and moved away with his new wife and her three kids. My mother has incredible strength and all kinds of good sense so she did what she could to fill the gap. I learned to hit a softball, my brother played in the middle school band and then on the high school football team. We were both active in scouting. Pat learned mechanics and basic household plumbing due to the need for it on the homestead. Still something was missing. Mom explained the divorce to us very simply and the whole process wasn't much of an upset to our lives. She never said a bad word about my dad and he respected her (and us, I guess) enough to return the favor. We were encouraged to write to dad and call him regularly whether he did the same for us or not. So for me, the relationship with my father became one-sided fairly early in my life and eventually dissolved completely.

I had higher hopes for my son. His father and I weren't exactly in love when Sam came along and I told him that he had a year to show me that he would be a committed dad. I went above and beyond to make sure he had opportunities to do that, taking my newborn to the grandparents' home every weekend and spending the day so that they could all be part of Sam's life and he a part of theirs. The way it should be. His father would come visit for an hour or so and then have some excuse to leave. I know infants are boring and he he said he would be more involved when Sam was older.

Sam is older. He is asking the tough questions. Why didn't I ever get married? Why doesn't he have a daddy at home all the time? Sheesh, boy. I gently explain that things don't always work out the way we hope, but that we are our own family and take care of each other, right? Right. I am a firm believer that we are all right we were are supposed to be. God knows what He is doing and has a plan. I know that I would never have been happy in a long-term relationship with Sam's father as I see so much of my own father in him. He is content with mediocre in all things. Except beer and football. Miller Lite and FSU all the way. My mother had the same complaint about my dad and when I was older she explained that is why she divorced him when we were so young. She didn't want us growing up and being influenced by someone with no drive or direction. Gumption was the word she used. Charles had no gumption.

I can't describe the punch in my gut when I saw my daddy drive by my house with his three step-daughters. They lived down the street from us if you can imagine. We had not been allowed to play with those three little girls because of something my mom heard, and then my dad married their mom. Fortunately, this didn't last long as they moved to Kentucky for my dad's new job. Then came the summer visitation and pseudo-family vacations. We had good times and I am grateful for the experiences.

That was when I was nine. When I was fourteen my mom met the man that I now refer to as dad. Jack's youngest son was a senior in high school when we met him and I hope he didn't ever experience any of the step-sibling anxiety I had. I was awful in the beginning. Jack tried so hard to win me over when he first came around and I resented that. I had a really messed up idea that he was trying to replace my dad...and that was a bad thing. Really? Oh, to be a teenager again. Not. Anyway, Jack won me over and is still around and he didn't replace my dad...he was far more than that. As a parent now I am humbled by what Jack did that he didn't have to do.

Now my Sammy is growing up with a single mom and sister who absolutely adore him, but I know inside he wants more. He wants what dads give their sons. I am not half as tough as my mother and I take the easy route when it comes to Sam because he is such a force to reckon with. He is headstrong, super intelligent and doesn't require much rest. An exhausting combination. Maybe I should have had him in my twenties because now I am just not into building the tree fort and am horrified by the critters I find in glass jars around the house. I am not hopeful that my children will have the caliber of step-dad that I have and am okay with that on the personal side. I'll get by. But I would like to think that it is possible for Sam to have a strong father-figure before I damage him too much. Then again, I may be underestimating Sammy.