Angel Guardians

When my daughter was born I had a definite idea of what motherhood would be like. I had been given charge of a little angel and it was my job to teach her how to walk and talk and feed herself as well as teach her values and model appropriate behaviors. I had a good mother model and felt I was up for the task. I had no idea that this child would be the greatest teacher I have ever had.

When she was just five months old, Sara saved my life. She didn't pull me from a burning building or shove me from the path of an oncoming train. She just looked at me. She looked me in the eyes with a gaze so intense I felt that I had been slapped in the forehead. We were in a terrible domestic situation and Sara knew it was time to go. Her father's official diagnosis includes the words sociopath and paranoid, but I think of him as an emotional terrorist. I was sinking further into depression and codependency and he was starting to terrorize Sara. We had to get out. It was terrifying to grab the bull by the horns, but after earnest prayers for guidance I told him I was leaving. He was furious and threw a violent tantrum during which I made a desperate call to authorities. He told me that if I had him arrested he would lose his job and would come after us. So I lied to the police and called my parents to come get me. It would take two days for them to get to us in Ohio and I was afraid he would seriously hurt me and Sara by then, but I had no vehicle and no money and was forced to sit tight and wait. Then the most amazing calm manifested in our house. Something inside me whispered it was alright now and I had the overwhelming sensation that there were angels posted to watch over us. He was extremely relaxed and quiet and over the next two days he was almost solicitous. The house had been freed from fear and anxiety and was filled with an incredible sense of peace. Had those angels not been there I would have thought it was the calm before yet another storm. Had I stayed in that situation I would have died. He may not have killed me physically, but he would have kept on until he smothered my spirit and made me weak and emotionally dead. And then he would have done the same to my baby girl.

I believe that there are angels walking among us. Sometimes I recognize them in those people that I casually refer to as saints... those people who are always there to help anyone in need as well as those who exude the same kind of peacefulness that I felt back in Ohio. Sometimes I recognize them in total strangers. None of us are who we appear to be. My infant daughter possessed intelligence and strength far beyond my own and it took her telling me to before I gathered myself up to get us out of a bad situation. I could say it was just my maternal instinct taking over. Maybe it was. But there were powerful forces at work in that house that night. I have felt them frequently and sometimes thought that maybe I could actually call upon upon them, but I've come to realize that they exist in me. They exist in all of us. We can call upon them because we are the power. We are our own force of nature. We are the children of God and possess the power of love that is the root of all good.

I think what Sara did in that gaze was summon up all the love in me. My love for her was greater than my fear of her father. And I think some of it spilled over onto him and let him know that it was okay to let us go. Thirteen years later, Sara stood up to her father herself and told him she'd had enough of his abuse. She did at thirteen what I was afraid to do at twenty-six. She summoned up her love of herself and did something huge on her own behalf. She has taught me several lessons like that one. In a recent conversation I told Sara that she was too good a person to let herself be used as a doormat or taken for granted by someone she really cared for. And I got slapped in the forehead again. I was blind to my own similar situation. So I summoned up my love for myself and modeled the appropriate behavior by addressing the problem. After all, it is my job to teach my little angel about life. But sometimes I wonder if my guardian angel isn't sleeping under my own roof.