Following Through

          Although I have been an educator for over 15 years now, my children continue to be better teachers than I am.  Sam taught me the greatest lesson last week without even knowing it.  He was spending the night with my mom since he did not have school the next day but it was a planning day for me.  He called late in the evening as I was gathering some things together for a training in the morning followed by a faculty luncheon.  Since Grandma watched "all the boring shows" on television, Sam was requesting that I gather up some DVDs and take them to him in the morning.  I told him that I would and went through the motions of gathering the videos up and setting my car keys on top of them so I wouldn't forget.
    The next morning I was very rushed and hurrying to get things in the car because I had to go all the way out to school to deliver the cakes for the luncheon and then get back to town in time for my training.  I was barely going to make it in time.  I despise being late for work.   I can keep my friends waiting around for me to show up for things and will slide in to a doctor appointment 5 minutes tardy, but I will not be late for work.  I reached for my car keys and there were those DVDs.  Oh, no.  I didn't have time to go by my mom's house in town before heading to school.  I would definitely be late for my training.   Surely Sam would get over it.  Mom probably had things planned for him to do anyway.  He's getting good at yardwork.    
     Then I thought about a friend of mine who lives in one country and has children in another.  I had just spoken with him the night before and he was in his hometown to see his kids and couldn't wait until they were out of school the next day so he get them.  I thought to myself that he had crossed an ocean to be there when his kids got out of school, so what was my problem?  I only had to drive 8 minutes to my mom's house to deliver some videos.  So I grabbed the stack of DVDs, broke the speed limit in a couple of neighborhoods and I turned onto my mom's street in record time. 
     As soon as mom's house came into view I saw my Sammy.  That little boy had gotten up before 7:30 on a no-school day and was waiting on mom's front porch for his mama to bring some videos.  The instant he saw me he started jumping up and down.  "You remembered!  I knew you'd bring 'em!"  I let him hug and kiss me and thank me profusely before I backed out of the driveway.  I told him I was late for work, but I really just didn't want him to see me cry.

     When I saw the excitement on Sam's face as he realized his mom followed through with the promise of video delivery, I had a flashback to the days when my little brother and I would sit on the front porch steps of our house and wait for our dad to pick us up.   Our parents divorced when we were quite young and since my dad had only moved across town he would pick us up to visit.  Sometimes.  Sometimes he didn't show up.  As I grew older, I learned to not wait very long.  But I remember Patrick sitting on the porch waiting for what felt like hours.  In his little heart he knew his daddy was coming to get him and he was going to sit there and wait.  I could not ever do that to my little boy.  I could not allow him to learn that he couldn't depend on me for something.  By the time I was in high school, I knew my daddy would not always be there for me.  I couldn't even count on him to remember my birthday.
     In the hustle and bustle of my single parenthood, I have gotten tunnel vision.  Most times I look ahead toward what the next project is, the next payment that is due, the next evaluation at school.  I see piles of laundry and dishes and jam orders.  I see the grocery list and a past due notice about getting the oil changed.  But I don't always see myself, especially as my children see me.  They should never ever see that they are not at the top of my priority list.  They should never learn that they can't count on me.   Yes, Sam would have eventually gotten over not having DVDs at Grandma's, but he probably would not have forgotten it.   He would have remembered that getting to work on time was more important than what he needed.  He might have gotten the idea that maybe he wasn't as important to mama as he should be.  

     I cried for five miles, broke the speed limit a few more times and clocked in at school at 8:01am.  That didn't matter, though.  I would have been an hour late if I needed to after seeing Sammy that morning.  Sometimes, the greatest lessons take the longest time to learn. 

    

Doctors, Diaries and Other D Words

     I usually know what I am doing.  I think I do, anyway.  At least that is what I tell myself.  So it stopped me in my tracks to have the mirror help up for me last month.  I didn't like what I saw.  And I am so glad it happened! 
      After standing in my kitchen the entire holiday break, my knees were an aching mess by January so I went to the orthopedist.  He didn't hesitate to tell me that I have the knees of a sixty-year-old woman and if I don't do something now, I will be having a knee replacement by fifty.  What he meant by "do something" was to lose some weight and keep it off.  Forever.  Well.  I have been chubby ever since third grade when puberty started creeping in.  Since then I have lost and gained and lost and gained depending on circumstances and motivators for change.  But this was serious.  Major catalyst for change.  The doctor sent me to see a "nutritionist" who he swore would get the job done.  She means business.  And was he ever right!
     I went to my appointment with Dr. Cain and her nurse did all the preliminary screenings and measurements to determine just how overweight I am.  I am pleased to report that I am not nearly as fat as I imagine myself to be.  So when I finally met Dr.Cain she asked what I was doing there.  I told her that I need to lose some weight and keep it off forever and if I don't Dr. Thornberry is going to make me get new knees.  Also, I don't have time for calorie-counting, diets don't work for me because I work full-time and then have side business and kids to tend to and my day is already just so full and yadda yadda yadda.  She sat there with her intense blue eyes focused right on mine.  When I was done with my spiel, she asked, "Are you going to do something?"  Well....yes, of course.  I am going to really try this time.  "No, Holle, are you going to do something?  I didn't ask you to try.  If you aren't going to commit to doing this, you are wasting my time."  Damn. "You have been talking for three minutes and all I have heard are excuses.  If this is what is working for you, then I am going to go help someone who wants it."  Damn.  I was busted.  The Fat Doctor called me out!  She saw right through me and held the mirror up for me to see through me, too.   I do not like change.  I am content with the status quo unless something pushes me into action.  I have some lazy tendencies and can be very stubborn...especially when someone purports to make me do something I do not want to do. Like diet.  I told her I am not going to diet.  I will be glad to eat healthier because I like fruits and veggies and all that, but I am not going to measure and weigh food nor am I going to count calories and make lists of everything I eat in a day.  I just will not.  She can't make me.  So she sent me in to see the dietitian. 
      Dr. Cain introduced me to Katie as "Holle, The Queen of Excuses."  Damn.  Those two were in cahoots.  "Holle is not going to diet or count calories.  But she is committed to change."  I felt her wink as she turned to leave.  Katie proceeded to tell me The Plan for the change I was about to undergo.  We talked about carbs, proteins and exercise and not once did she utter that four-letter D word that I was not going to do.  She put me on 1,100 calories per day, a minimum of one hour of exercise per day and gave me a binder to keep a food diary.  She didn't tell me what I could and couldn't eat but to keep it around 35 carbs per meal and make sure to write it all down so we can see what works.  Uh huh.  A damn diet diary!   Then they sent me home.  On the way out I had to stop and make an appointment for the re-check...to monitor my progress.  I thought that was a great idea...I need a weekly check-in to keep me on track.  The next available appointment was six weeks away.  "Are you serious?  Y'all are going to put me, The Queen of Excuses, on The Plan and then just trust me with it for six weeks?  Really?"  There was that mirror again.  They trusted me.  I made a commitment. 
     I went home via Publix, where I found myself using a Food Guide and reading Nutrition Facts on packaging to make good choices for breakfast and school lunches and family meals that worked for my plan and that the kids would eat.  That was tough but I did it.  My daughter was unaffected as she is a healthy eater anyway, but my meat-and-potatoes son lost his mind.  "You mean I have to eat vegetables?  I'm gonna starve, mama!"  He's hasn't starved but I thought I would during those first three days.  Breaking the sugar habit was no fun at all, but I did it in less than a week.  I started walking down to my mailbox everyday, too.  It's a quarter mile down hill from my house and a good walk for me and the pups.  I also join my daughter and a friend to walk at the track in town at least three days a week and dusted off the Total Gym.  I love my Total Gym!  I got a bit overzealous with it last Spring and hurt myself and never went back, but I am back now...every day. 
     Since starting on The Plan,  I usually consume less than 1,000 calories per day.  Yes, I am counting calories and eating calories that count...there's an app for that!  And yes, I write them all down.  The Fat Doctor and her dietitian cohort are going to be some kind of proud of me.  I am quite proud of myself, too.  This is Day 25 and I have lost 12 pounds, gone down a pants size and lost almost two inches off my waist.  A plan never worked for me in the past because I really didn't know what I was doing.  But since I shut up and started listening and learning, I am succeeding.   Now when I pass a mirror, I stop and look.  And I like what I see!